Memoirs of the Melancholy: Ayanami's Requiem
by Noble Maiden
Summary: Some morbid insane musings from Evangelions weirdest gal ever! Dark and angsty


Memoirs of the Melancholy: Ayanami's Requiem  
  
Hey everyone! I'm sorry it's been a few months since I last posted, but I've been so busy! I also apologize for the sheer morbidity of this fic. Have you ever just been so sick of the shitty world and all its shitty people? Have you ever just been so tired of everything and everyone it was making you sick? Have you ever just wanted to sleep forever because it hurt too much to keep going on? Yeah, I'm kinda on that wavelength right now. I'm going through some things right now that are wearing away holes in my stomach due to my constant and incessant worrying. I'll cheer up soon though, I promise! I have three more installments of 'Sunday' coming up, and lots of other ideas for gooey-happy stuff, so I'll get them online ASAP! I decided to write about Rei Ayanami because she is an excellent character. Why? Well, because she is just so messed up! That's lots of fun to write about. The stuff in // are her own distorted thoughts, which keep getting progressively weirder by the end. This is just the end result of my seriously stressed out mind. Let me know if you like it or even understand it. I sure as hell don't.  
  
It sometimes feels as if shades of misery are closing in around the world. The sun is dimmed. The moon is hidden. The earth is camouflaged with perpetual blackness. But I know this is simply an illusion. For it is only I that have been darkened wholly. Something within mw has cracked. The intricate structure that sets the foundation for my existence has been shaken by a tremor. I foresaw the quake but not the consequence that followed. I knew it was coming. It was bound to happen. I just didn't anticipate how horribly I would be affected by it.  
  
//Rei Rei come here Rei because you're mine that's why//  
  
I am merely a doll. A brilliantly conceived fabrication of life. This deterioration of my mind is a result of a notion with which I was enlightened some time ago. These-feelings, these-emotions which came to me; as quick and as fresh as the tide of newborns, they filled me with the hope of change, or revolution. Commander Ikari? I love him.  
  
//come here come here Rei let me touch you I want to touch you right now//  
  
I felt that because of my adoration which I bore him, I could be real. My eyes became a lense for the world. I greedily sucked at that feeling like a drug.  
  
//I'm finally alive love love love//  
  
I wish someone would just take an axe and cleave a schism into my psyche, freeing my macabre anguish in a long mournful dirge. I don't think I'm going to be here much longer. Is there anything about me that is true? Is there anything about me that is not false?  
  
//there has to be more there must be more//  
  
How can I be so low when I used to be so high? How could this happen?  
  
When did I last eat? Three days ago? Four? Six? I can't remember anymore.  
  
//there's no time like the present I don't want to die I just wish I were dead where are you I'll be back tomorrow see you soon// My eyes are heavy. Why am I so tired? Didn't I just wake up? Am I still sleeping?  
  
//let's get it over with please do you have to go away do you have to go away why am I always alone okay okay I can deal with it for a few days a few weeks a few months it's okay it only hurts when it hurts//  
  
This light flowing in from the window seems to pierce my flesh.  
  
//the only problem is that it hurts all the time it just hurts all the time//  
  
Why is the ceiling so white? Is this my arm? Was it always this thin? This is not me.  
  
//oh gods make it stop it hurts it hurts it hurts so much//  
  
My heart quickens it's pulse with the fury of the damned.  
  
//infinite infinite infinite sorrow//  
  
Where did it all go wrong? Commander Ikari? Why are you looking at me like that?!  
  
//stop it stop it stopitstopitstopit//  
  
What are these red marks across my breasts? Did I, did I do this to myself? My eyes bleed tears, and when my tears run out they drip blood. These tears feed my frenzy. This blood feeds my madness. Nothing is even clear anymore, all is hazy.  
  
//make it stop just make it stop makeitmakeitmakeit//  
  
Am I the only one who feels this way? Why must I always be alone?  
  
//I love you only I love you best so die now die now//  
  
Hey, if I told someone about my suffering, this desperate isolation; could I be saved?  
  
//no no no no no//  
  
No. It won't change. And by then it will be too late. I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry.  
  
//don't say goodbye like that it's too sad would you like more to drink you look nice tonight why thank you yes thank you what a whore you filthy slut stay inside this cocoon be a butterfly soon stop touching me it can't be healed I love you can't you feel it's pain she can't hear you she's not listening you don't know I'm dying you can't see me feel it feel it can't you feel my pain why must you go please don't leave me alone again I'm scared so scared let me bleed my truth into your mouth so you can taste my reality stop looking at me stop looking at me please stop please don't ever stop I will always I will never I will always I will never//  
  
---silence---  
  
I feel much better when you are here. Just give me your hand, we have wasted so much time 


End file.
